glass

I wish I had a glass heart

so you could see how I feel.

words aren’t enough to show

why I’m lost and why I’m steel.

they come out garbled and

 

I’m frustrated in myself.

i’m angry that I can’t tell you.

 

I wish I had a glass soul

So you could see who I am.

Because inside I know.

 

but there are no letters

I can string together

To make myself seem real.

Advertisements

Perfect

Imagine for a minute that you are perfect.

No flaws stain you.
No promises are broken.
No syllables scathe.
No words are untrue.
No hair is out of place.
No thought is out of place.
No temper is flared.
No mistake you make.

I have dreamt of being perfect.
I have whittled away myself,
I have stretched myself thin.
I have screamed in my head,
I have leaked tears
seeking how to be perfect.

One neat stroke without a smudge.
I can’t find it on myself.
One pure thought without a temptation.
I can’t find it in myself.
One smooth path without a roadblock.
I can’t find it by myself.

So I imagine.
I design.
I create.

Submerged in fantasy,
I am no longer my tormented soul.
Fusing into another form,
I become scripted.

Granting myself everything I want,
Removing myself from anything I don’t.

Erase one slip-up,
Backspace one move.

Haven’t you felt the same?
Didn’t you ever wonder?
Don’t you ever pretend?

I never dared question
What defined perfect.
I guess I don’t still,
If I’m still tied up
In my warped visions.

Too consumed,
You will not see me anymore.
You will carry on without knowing.
Falling back,
I am swallowed by my shame.
I have no idea what I am.

If only you could make me believe otherwise.
But whoever could?
I will remain mute,
Deceiving,
For anyone who even cares to know.

I traversed one road
for far too long.
Turning around
is pointless.
This whole quest for perfection
is pointless.

And yet I keep walking it,
slowly
leaving
sanity
behind.

Perfect.

I’m Back!

Hey everyone! Happy May!

I know my blog has been inactive for a little while…

giphy.gif

Actual footage of my blog

but I am finally finished with all of my classes and my AP exams! I took my last one this past Friday, and I have never felt a weight lifted off my shoulder so fast. I really apologize for having to put the breaks on this blog, but from here until September (yep, senior year!) this blog is getting allll the attention it deserves.

I’m going to be writing poetry and prose again, working on my music and practicing classical guitar, going out of town and actually visiting places, and most importantly READING books. I know I shouldn’t have let school take over my life, but it really did. But now that it’s over, I can really be an artist and blogger again. I have so many cool posts lined up (from posts about TV shows to music to writing tips, etc.) and I am so excited to work on them and share them with you all.

This summer will also be full of ACT and SAT prep, college hunting and visiting, and thinking about the future. My last year of high school is this fall, and I can’t believe it– it really crept up on me. I can only ask for your prayers that I give this last year my all before “graduating” (ya know, since I’ll only be getting a transcript saying I finished high school lol #homeschooledlife).

And I’ll also be taking a web design class over the summer, so maybe it’ll help me work on organizing and improving this blog! I’m super excited for that class, y’all. Maybe I’ll even create some posts with tips and cool information I’ve learned from the class to share with my readers.

Anyway, this is just a post for y’all to know I’m alive and well and extremely excited for this summer. Thank you guys for sticking with me, I really appreciate it. I’m going to be better about being active on everyone else’s blogs too, now that I have more time and focus on the blog.

How have you guys been? Anything new and exciting? Are you excited for the summer? (yes, I know it’s only the third week of May, but it’ll be June faster than you know it!)

God bless!

2cf73330-9193-0133-982a-0a6c20e5e327.gif

I’ll also be spending time catching up on Parks and Rec. I just started it and I LOVE IT. 

Pax in Christo,

Grace

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone!

“Our God is not dead, He’s alive, He’s alive!”

I totally remember typing this in last year’s Easter post, but I just wanted to say that even though I’m not where I want to be spiritually at this point in time, I am praying and thinking of you guys, and hoping to have a wonderful Easter. May your heart be resurrected today from evil and sin, and be cleansed in the blood Jesus sacrificed for us. Sometimes it’s hard to remember He did this for us (I did Stations of the Cross on Friday, and it was so hard to be truly in the moment and understand the consequences of what was going on). But if we are truly meditating with God on our mind and in our hearts, we are more in tune with His love and suffering (I really need to practice this more).

On the other hand, I do hope everyone has a bright and cheerful day. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, if you could please keep my friend in your prayers; this will be her first Easter without her mom, and I know she is hurting. 😦 But I know that her mother is in Heaven, and I pray that the resurrection shows her (as it shows me) that one day we will be with the Father, just as her mother is now.

God bless all of you, don’t eat too much chocolate, and may the rest of your day be one of love, gratitude, and hope. ❤

Pax in Christo,

Grace

Rant to Calm My Nerves

I guess this is a hiatus post, also?

I talked to you guys about how I am participating in NaPo, and I also know some of you have tagged me to complete some different blogging tags, and I also have some ideas for some cool posts coming up. But I don’t know if I can do any of it.

So AP exams are less than a month away. And I’m not even done with any of my AP classes yet. AP Micro, I have a few lessons left, but then I have to start cracking down on my review book and attend AP review sessions, because there’s SO much to remember. I also have to practice drawing all of the graphs without any references to be prepared for the exam, and holy guacamole there are a lot of graphs.

AP English, I have a few lessons left, but they all pertain to this nonfiction book I have read for the class, and each lesson is very time-intensive because it requires research, projects, and lengthy assignments about my book. And then, of course, I have to crack down on my review book and practice writing timed essays, which I hate timed essays LOL.

And then there’s AP US Government…I don’t think I will be prepared for that exam. I have two more units left of the class (30% of the class left to complete) with 3 weeks left and OK can I cry thank you very much. In addition, I really only know the bare minimum of the subject matter in the class. The class is kind of outdated, and the textbook is way too time-intensive when I’m trying to balance it against other classes, so I’ve skimmed it. Trying to stay calm, because this class will be my first AP exam of my AP exam schedule. So not only am I rushing to finish, BUT IT’S THE FIRST AP EXAM I HAVE TO TAKE, AND IT’S IN THE FIRST WEEK OF EXAMS.

On top of that hot mess, I have the ACT I’m taking tomorrow. And you can bet your bottom dollar I didn’t prepare because I totally made the mistake of scheduling the SAT and the ACT back to back, and the SAT drained my brain for a little bit, and I was trying to catch up in my classes. So basically, I’m trying to have a good attitude and do my best tomorrow, but deep down I know it’s a waste of time. Not only have I already taken the ACT once, but I plan on taking it senior year, too and I’m going to bomb it tomorrow (OK so that was really negative, but just trying to be brutally honest with myself). So this just unnecessarily adds to the April stress.

In conclusion, I’ve lost my marbles. All of them. They have rolled away NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN.

I know that once the third week of May rolls around, I will be in heaven. No more school except one easy technology class. I’ll have free time to start looking at the application process for the colleges I’m interested in. I will have time to properly prepare for both the SAT and the ACT the next time around. I will actually have time dedicated to playing my guitar (that’s right, I’ve been neglecting my music studies ;-;), exercising, and really just breathing.

I’m physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I’m trying to lean on God during this time. But man, I want to just break down. I want to give up. But I can’t. There are days where I feel like I’m in way over my head, and no matter how often I tell myself I can take care of it, I just lose control and starting getting discouraged.

If you could please pray for my little brain, I’d appreciate it. In the mean time, this blog will largely be inactive. I’ll try to give NaPo the attention it deserves, but it won’t be frequent. I really envy 2016 Grace. She posted a poem all 30 days. But that was because she only had one AP class. That was because she didn’t take the ACT or the SAT. That was because she was two years away from college.

Now she’s one year away.

Thank you for putting up with me and my gibberish. Just trying to blow off steam before I dive back into my hectic school life. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. Just gotta repeat that over in my head.

Have a good weekend, everyone 🙂

Pax in Christo,

Grace

NaPoWriMo Day #5: Rest

(eh, this is a pretty “half-baked” poem; I’m just struggling to find the time right now to write D:) (also I am so sad the formatting for this poem doesn’t work in WordPress nuuuuu)


Soothing silk slides across my face,
smoothing hard-pressed thought lines,
caressing my cheek and sweeping away.
It unties the knots in my muscles,
and straightens my weakened spine.

A soft song weaves itself through,
engulfing deadlines, yelling, strains.
It steadies my heart to an even beat;
a crescendo of notes lifts me from my mess,
and
i
begin
to
dream.

Hums gradually wrap around me,
the march of strings builds within,
and my
soul
begins
to
dance.

There is no unworthy desire,
there is no scolding or crying
there is no degradation of the spirit.

There is only a fearless embrace,
when i see with radiant eyes
my life is no longer a calendar
of dates
and assignments
and demands

it is a pallete of fears,
emotions,
imagination,
of passion,
desires,
and visions.

But when I awake
I am met
with the same
weight,
pressure,
drag.

Oh.

How I yearn to
be at
rest
again.

NaPoWriMo Day #3: No Words

Style: Rhyme
**In loving memory of my friend’s mother, who passed away unexpectedly last week**

Today my pen fails me;
it does not ooze ornate melodies,
or fabricate luscious narratives.
It does not stain paper with color,
or paint images of sun.
or rain.
or anything.

I thought I could write something for everything;
the way pain feels inside me now;
the way confusion sits unsettled in my veins;
the way I know what is happening but I don’t.

Perhaps I will say:
How selfish I feel
to wish someone back,
from her Father’s arms,
for the sake of life’s motions.

No other words accompany me
in this struggle to grasp
what has happened,
no words exist to lessen
the blow we subsist.

Perhaps it is not necessary,
to be able to pen everything.
Some things are
better
left felt
than read.

NaPoWriMo Day #2: What I Remember

what i remember now was the
suffocating heat of summer.
it stuffed itself into every inch
that stretched between us.
it robbed me of my freedom,
trapped me inside wooden walls
the machined air blasting
at full speed to wash it out.

what i remember next
was the moonlight,
how it graced its shine
against the rich violet
and how it followed me
as i ran through trees,
steady and solid, unlike
my sanity.

when heat dropped to freezing,
and your jacket was warmer
than the large fire we sat
around, and my naivety was
the stimulation to an agonizing
month-long waste of time.

when our words evolved from
sweet pursuance to familiar
conversation, and i sunk
deeper; my hollow desire
to be loved now over-flowing
as we walked upon shifting
sand, hand vainly in hand.

when our words evolved from
familiar conversation to constant
calamities, building up barricades,
loading ammunition and firing off
rounds of accusations, with fear
solidifying inside me, weighing me
down.

when we parted ways,
i bloodied and
bruised.
you eager to run.

what i remember was the
sharp loneliness,
aching and shaking,
floods of tears.

you held a numb expression
that recalled no memory of
me and you.

and what i remember most is
when we walked away from that summer

I was someone else.

You were the same.