There is so much fear trembling within me.
It buckles my knees and numbs my feet
It shakes my hands and paralyzes my heart
It starts out in the center, pulsating
and then reaches to
the far corners of my soul,
spreading like wildfire that cannot be put out
by any kind of water
I can feel the water like you can feel hunger–
it just was.
I search for it, thrashing through
thickets and thicker things,
slowed by the great barriers they form.
But I cannot find it.
My heart burns, a painful jab spiking through my bones
and rattling my ribcage.
It squeezes and tightens my lungs, like
two prodigious hands with a jarring grip,
their goal to suffocate my breathing.
I claw at the sky, somehow fabricating the notion a true hand was there to save me, to pull me from the wreckage of my self-destruction.
The water is not obtainable.
It was never real, was it? What a taunting gesture, I think,
to make me believe I could extinguish my fears and terminate my trepidations.
Only thing left to do, I guess, is fall down
and give up.
Let the fires consume me raw,
let the fears slam into me and pull me from reality
let my angers and sorrows forever shape whatever scope i look through
whatever eyes i look with
There is something else I feel. No, it’s not a feeling. It’s a revelation. I crack open my eyes, and I doubt they were actually ever open to start.
There is the water, a glass pool that beckons me. My body is heavy, my arms are weak.
But the power this water holds over me is the fuel, the electrical surge that pushes me forward.
I am crawling. It is beauty I taste upon my tongue, like sweet fruit that punctures with a sting initially. A few seconds later it settles in like a sweet melody, and there I am at the edge of the pool.
There is no indecision,
Out of the fire and into the water I plunge myself.
And out of the water into the fire
I rise, rid of my gnawing fears,
rid of my knobby knees
and aching heart
all is replaced with a citadel of faith.
You will have to suffer only for a little while: the God of all grace who called you to eternal glory in Christ will restore you, he will confirm, strengthen and support you.
Now why delay? Get up and have yourself baptized and your sins washed away, calling upon his name.