I Don’t Know

Ever hit with one of those “what am I supposed to be even doing” thoughts? I guess I’m experiencing that right now. It’s not necessarily a question regarding my purpose or my self-worth; I only have to look to God during those times. However, I guess you could say I’m confused about my “opinion” of myself or my specific purpose. I’ve always identified myself as a writer, as a creative thinker. I read and had a huge imagination. I created fantasies in my head, attempted to illustrate them through writing–and I thought it was OK to live in these fantasies. They fueled my writing.

Now, I’ve sort of lost that. Having deepened my faith in God and having attempted to start fresh in focusing on reality and how I am supposed to treat other people and live my life, creating fantasies is something I have tried to avoid. It’s hard to explain, and I’m not sure why I’m even telling you. But being a writer has always been satisfying whenever I felt empty. It took my focus off of “reality” to delve into a world I wanted to live in, to create characters I wanted to be. But, if my goal is to turn to God in those times of emptiness, to give Him myself because my emptiness is really wanting His love, then why would I try to write about a fantasy world instead? Don’t get me wrong, I know writing isn’t just about creating fantasy worlds–it has many more purposes, most of all the main one: conveying the truth. But that was how I had always used writing, I guess? I’m still developing.

Now I’m not sure what to do. I write my thoughts in a journal, I write during prayer. I’m just trying to take what I learned during my retreat and make it a reality every day. That means denying the fantasies, keeping my eyes on the Truth, focusing on reality and who I am in this reality. I guess I’m currently uncertain of where to take my writing talent now. I’m just going to keep working in poetry and maybe songwriting. I know what I can do isn’t limited. I suppose my motivation, my reasons for writing, my understanding has all faded in this period of uncertainty. I always aspired to be a famous novelist author. Now I know that won’t come true. I guess I’ll just have to continue to trust God will show me.

Sorry for this gibber-gabber, I suppose I wanted to share with you my current situation. I’m sure in college I’ll begin to understand and shape who I am through my studies. Right now I’m just kind of floating 😛 Any thoughts or comments?

Pax in Christo,

Grace

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10 thoughts on “I Don’t Know

  1. Well, maybe you could write fantasy stories that convey your love of God through them! I’m not sure if that’s what you’re looking for, but as you say – God will show us the way. We just have to wait for his plan to come into our life. 🙂 In the meantime, write your heart out, Grace! Not literally, of course. 😉

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  2. Totally get you, Grace.
    I’m struggling with something similar and here’s what I’ve learned.

    Reality is reality. It always will be. So fantasy is okay, as long as you don’t the truth you’re founded in. If you have a strong foundation, nothing should be able to sway you.
    Now, I’m more of a surreal social realist-thinker, so i integrate fantasy and reality to ultimately convey a real idea. I think that’s what’s important. yeah, you create a world in your own mind, but it can most definitely (and is most often in published works) be representative or metaphoric for reality.

    And I in a rut about purpose. I have something to say, but I don’t know how to say it; it’s like I’m making it up as I go along. I’ve got morals and beliefs, I believe in truth, but only as I put pen to paper, or immediately transcribe thought do I get anything of relevancy.

    I think, all in all, we just have to stop focusing on what we THINK matters or doesn’t matter, or whatever our purpose is, and just stand on the foundation we have. And if we don’t have that, we should focus more on that. Everything will come in its time. There’s so much to do and learn and see in life; we don’t know the half of what even tomorrow might bring.

    Essentially, take it slow.

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    • Leah, God bless you for sharing with me what you’ve learned. You are absolutely correct. Oh I needed to read that. *deep breath* I pray that you get out of this struggle too. Your writing is such an enormous gift to anyone who reads it. My issue has been writing to drown out reality, to make myself feel better or give me something else to focus on, but it ultamitely pulls me away from my foundation, if that makes sense. I think I know what I need to do now. Thank you so much again for sharing your words. God bless you! Grace

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  3. i very much relate to this. i used to be a writer, as in i wrote fantasy stories and people and shaped them after who i wanted to be or how i wanted to live. i too have felt empty on many occasions, just longing for God’s love. i feel that whatever you are looking for, He will provide. if writing stories is what you enjoy writing, write stories. but if you’re genuinely just confused at the moment, continue to pray and He will come through soon. good luck, & God Bless You, Grace ❤

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    • Thank you, Hailey! I will continue to pray for His guidance. I think my purpose for ‘creative writing’ has been a little grey right now, but I know God will show me in time what I need to know. Thank you so much for your support ❤ God bless you too!

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  4. I understand you too! Being writers we have giant imaginations which can be a good thing but not always. Sometimes I find myself getting lost in aa imaingary story when I’m bored and I use it to fill the emptiness, which isn’t a good thing. But God created us with our talents. My mom tells me often, Rebekah you have a gift for writing, use it to honor God. God wouldn’t have given you this gift if he didn’t want you to use it. This also doesn’t mean that you can’t become a writer. There are plenty of Christian authors out there (Karen Kingsbury is my favorite!) who write fiction and use it to glorify God. I just want you to know that I don’t think you should give up this wonderful gift you have. I understand you because I’ve noticed that about myself recently. I let myslef go into my own little world when I’m bored or procrastinating instead of turning to God. I’m working on trying to figure it out too 😉 I hope this makes a little sense! I’ll be praying for you!
    -Rebekah

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    • God bless you Rebekah and thank you for your comment! I wasn’t necessarily saying I was going to give up writing altogether, but rather had lost my vision for how to use my creative writing talent. I love to write, but in terms of writing novels or fiction, I’ve found it difficult now. But I so appreciate your understanding, and I will be praying for you too. These were words I needed to read! God bless and thank you for reading! ❤

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