Ever hit with one of those “what am I supposed to be even doing” thoughts? I guess I’m experiencing that right now. It’s not necessarily a question regarding my purpose or my self-worth; I only have to look to God during those times. However, I guess you could say I’m confused about my “opinion” of myself or my specific purpose. I’ve always identified myself as a writer, as a creative thinker. I read and had a huge imagination. I created fantasies in my head, attempted to illustrate them through writing–and I thought it was OK to live in these fantasies. They fueled my writing.
Now, I’ve sort of lost that. Having deepened my faith in God and having attempted to start fresh in focusing on reality and how I am supposed to treat other people and live my life, creating fantasies is something I have tried to avoid. It’s hard to explain, and I’m not sure why I’m even telling you. But being a writer has always been satisfying whenever I felt empty. It took my focus off of “reality” to delve into a world I wanted to live in, to create characters I wanted to be. But, if my goal is to turn to God in those times of emptiness, to give Him myself because my emptiness is really wanting His love, then why would I try to write about a fantasy world instead? Don’t get me wrong, I know writing isn’t just about creating fantasy worlds–it has many more purposes, most of all the main one: conveying the truth. But that was how I had always used writing, I guess? I’m still developing.
Now I’m not sure what to do. I write my thoughts in a journal, I write during prayer. I’m just trying to take what I learned during my retreat and make it a reality every day. That means denying the fantasies, keeping my eyes on the Truth, focusing on reality and who I am in this reality. I guess I’m currently uncertain of where to take my writing talent now. I’m just going to keep working in poetry and maybe songwriting. I know what I can do isn’t limited. I suppose my motivation, my reasons for writing, my understanding has all faded in this period of uncertainty. I always aspired to be a famous novelist author. Now I know that won’t come true. I guess I’ll just have to continue to trust God will show me.
Sorry for this gibber-gabber, I suppose I wanted to share with you my current situation. I’m sure in college I’ll begin to understand and shape who I am through my studies. Right now I’m just kind of floating 😛 Any thoughts or comments?
Pax in Christo,